Thank you for this thoughtful post. I’ve been estranged from my mom for a decade due to mental illness and though I feel so much more peaceful without her in my life, not having a mother figure can be hard. Having my first child last year made me think about her a lot, for the first time in years. I remember rocking my small son and wondering if I had been loved in the intense way I love him. I’m grateful for the community of female friends, neighbors, and loved ones who give me advice about motherhood and being a woman. And because of my experience I try every day to make my son feel safe and cherished.
Oh Moriah, I feel this so deeply. This is almost my exact situation and the one thing I’m grateful for is how much more fierce of a mother I am because of it. You sound like a very loving mom. Thanks for sharing and making it feel a little less lonely. ❤️
I feel like both a motherless daughter (raised by my grandmother, as my mom has complex mental health challenges) and a childless mother (endometriosis, never the right time to try to get around that). I feel like I'm floating untethered in the middle of the sea every time Mother's Day comes around. But this disconnect has taught me to look for opportunities for mothering throughout my life. When I stopped looking for mothering from my bio mother, I was able to recognize and accept the mothering all around me, in me, from me, towards me. We are immersed in nurturing energy from nature, we can care for one another, mentor and console each other, and sometimes heal ourselves.
I was 19 when my mother died, the second oldest of 5 children. My youngest sister was 6. She was having a difficult time so I bought her the book Motherless Daughters one Christmas. We lived out of town and were driving home for Christmas, for some reason in 2 cars. My oldest daughter was 19 and traveling with me. She agreed to start driving so I could read the book before I gave it to my sister. It turned out that I needed to read that book which totally took me by surprise. My daughter landed up driving the entire 8 hours while I read the book and sobbed. I felt so recognized and less heavy. About ten years later I read it again and thought it was wonderful. I am 73 and now wondering if I should read it again. I still miss my mother.
"In fact, my policy now is that I assume that every person I know has a big heartache." Didn't even contemplate until this moment the simple truth of this. It's so easy to assume the opposite even when you logically know you aren't alone!
I am an adult who was once a kid who did not really ever receive apologies from parents; I apologize to my kids all the time, and I feel like it heals the kid in me who just wanted someone to take accountability when they wronged me. It's deeply important to me to show my kids that sure, I'm an adult, but that doesn't mean anything except that I'm older--I am a human, and I can be wrong, and they deserve respect just like I do.
the line about apologies rewiring children's brains is so fascinating. I definitely do think of my relationship as kind of a before and after my mom apologized to me and my sisters (I was in my 30s and had already had several kids of my own). she'd read an article in some psychology magazine about the kind of toxic patterns that can emerge in response to grief (her own, in her youth) and how they can develop into negative patterns as a parent. and she recognized herself in those patterns and apologized. and it felt like for the first time I could see that she was trying her best and that even she was disappointed with how things went some of the time. it allowed me to extend her grace that I didn't have access to before. things still aren't perfect, but it left an open channel to a relationship and I'm so grateful for that.
Mother's Day bruises my heart, but in a different direction. I consider myself a childless mother -- I've always wanted a family but for several different reasons, this has not been my reality. As with all bruises, I care for myself and those around me by taking things slowly and gently on Mother's Day. Sending lots of love and light to my fellow childless mothers out there.
We (my mom, my dad, my sisters and I) have all been living with my mom's Alzheimer's for close to seven years now. And much longer than that if I consider when the disease started to present itself prior to her diagnosis. I do have a mother, but I feel motherless much of the time. I am now mothering my own mother in addition to my small children. One of the silver linings I have found is that there is also a sisterhood in this experience - caring for a parent with a debilitating chronic illness. Sending love to anyone else who also finds themselves in this strange in-between.
Same, friends. Getting ready to give birth to my own little girl in a few months and hoping that mothering her will bring back memories of my own mom before all of the dementia garbage.
I've been so wrapped up with life that I didn't even realize it was MD this weekend! I have no relationship with my mother, for many reasons. I have largely been motherless since my early teens (I'm in my early 30's now). It was a difficult decision to cut things off with her (something I had to do twice, as I tried to give her another chance, only to be reminded of why I made the decision in the first place). I still have pained moments when I witness a sweet mother/daughter moment, but overall the years have softened it like a stone. It's a weight, but a smooth one. Ambiguous grief is a funny thing. I often feel like we live on sister planets, those of us who have lost parents to death, and those who have lost them in other ways.
Thank you so much for this post. I have no relationship with my mother (sounds similar to many of these!) and Mother’s Day is always my least favorite.
While I will always grieve the loss of my mom, somehow I got the most wonderful little sister in the entire world? She is five years younger than me but has always been an old soul and she steps in to do motherly things for me—like scratching my back or calling me to see what I’m making for dinner or doting on my kids. I feel so lucky to have her! <3
I have yet to finish reading this whole post but I just want to commend you for creating it! Usually, well-meaning Mother's Days posts tack on a line at the end showcasing commiseration for those grieving. It makes it feel like those that are grieving are secondary and almost like an afterthought. But you have made them front and center here and I didn't realize how meaningful that is until I read the first interview. Thank you for putting us at the front and truly showing recognition for us. It makes me feel like I'm not the outlier. Just because my mom has passed away a long time ago doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate her every Mother's Day with all my range of emotions. You're always so considerate and thoughtful with everything you write. Much appreciated!
that book changed my life when i discovered it at age 19. (my mom died of cancer when i was 12.) i felt so seen.
yes, to entering a sisterhood. i've always felt that we should wear embroidered patches that say "Motherless Daughter" to serve as both a badge of honor and warning sign to potential mates and future children. ( : much of what i am and love about myself — independent, fearless, ambitious — is because i lost my mother young. but much of what i am and don't love — i struggle with being vulnerable, and i have a consistent fear of dying young that breeds anxiety — as well.
38 years later, and i am still waiting for her to walk through the back door with her arms full of groceries.
Margaux, I am here with you. I lost my mom to cancer when. I was 16. Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of her death. I purchased Motherless Daughters 3 years ago and it’s sat untouched on my bookshelf. Between reading this post and your comment, I think it’s finally time. Sending you a hug.
For those who have lost their mothers, I'd love to ask what a good message to get from others would be on Mother's Day--usually I go with a thinking of you and your mom today. Love you/sending love. Is that enough??
This was the panacea my heart has needed. Reading C.’s share about her narcissistic mother made my stomach sink. This is my mother. And I’ve felt so alone in the abuse and shame of never being enough. We don’t have a relationship and I don’t yearn for one with her. But now that I’m in my 40s I grieve for never having a mother who didn’t see me as useless or competition. I work hard to stop the cycle of trauma for my kids. Especially my daughter (another thank you to CoJ community for motivating me get therapy!). It’s strange to feel motherless when I have a mother but it’s now nice to know I’m not alone.
This is such a beautiful post. Mother’s Day is so difficult for so many of us. I had a miscarriage three years ago and have been in the throes of fertility treatments ever since. This day can be so heartbreaking for so many reasons. Thank you for illuminating that and leaving space for those who find this holiday really conflicting. ❤️
Great post! My mom has Alzheimer's, so Mother's Day is not the same anymore, but always making the most of the time we have left. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers reading this! Including stepmom and plant moms (me). <3
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I’ve been estranged from my mom for a decade due to mental illness and though I feel so much more peaceful without her in my life, not having a mother figure can be hard. Having my first child last year made me think about her a lot, for the first time in years. I remember rocking my small son and wondering if I had been loved in the intense way I love him. I’m grateful for the community of female friends, neighbors, and loved ones who give me advice about motherhood and being a woman. And because of my experience I try every day to make my son feel safe and cherished.
Oh Moriah, I feel this so deeply. This is almost my exact situation and the one thing I’m grateful for is how much more fierce of a mother I am because of it. You sound like a very loving mom. Thanks for sharing and making it feel a little less lonely. ❤️
I’m sorry you can relate, Jenn ❤️ Your kids are so lucky to have such a thoughtful mom. Happy Mother’s Day!
I feel like both a motherless daughter (raised by my grandmother, as my mom has complex mental health challenges) and a childless mother (endometriosis, never the right time to try to get around that). I feel like I'm floating untethered in the middle of the sea every time Mother's Day comes around. But this disconnect has taught me to look for opportunities for mothering throughout my life. When I stopped looking for mothering from my bio mother, I was able to recognize and accept the mothering all around me, in me, from me, towards me. We are immersed in nurturing energy from nature, we can care for one another, mentor and console each other, and sometimes heal ourselves.
That is so beautiful, Sophie. Sending you so much love.
I was 19 when my mother died, the second oldest of 5 children. My youngest sister was 6. She was having a difficult time so I bought her the book Motherless Daughters one Christmas. We lived out of town and were driving home for Christmas, for some reason in 2 cars. My oldest daughter was 19 and traveling with me. She agreed to start driving so I could read the book before I gave it to my sister. It turned out that I needed to read that book which totally took me by surprise. My daughter landed up driving the entire 8 hours while I read the book and sobbed. I felt so recognized and less heavy. About ten years later I read it again and thought it was wonderful. I am 73 and now wondering if I should read it again. I still miss my mother.
"In fact, my policy now is that I assume that every person I know has a big heartache." Didn't even contemplate until this moment the simple truth of this. It's so easy to assume the opposite even when you logically know you aren't alone!
I am an adult who was once a kid who did not really ever receive apologies from parents; I apologize to my kids all the time, and I feel like it heals the kid in me who just wanted someone to take accountability when they wronged me. It's deeply important to me to show my kids that sure, I'm an adult, but that doesn't mean anything except that I'm older--I am a human, and I can be wrong, and they deserve respect just like I do.
the line about apologies rewiring children's brains is so fascinating. I definitely do think of my relationship as kind of a before and after my mom apologized to me and my sisters (I was in my 30s and had already had several kids of my own). she'd read an article in some psychology magazine about the kind of toxic patterns that can emerge in response to grief (her own, in her youth) and how they can develop into negative patterns as a parent. and she recognized herself in those patterns and apologized. and it felt like for the first time I could see that she was trying her best and that even she was disappointed with how things went some of the time. it allowed me to extend her grace that I didn't have access to before. things still aren't perfect, but it left an open channel to a relationship and I'm so grateful for that.
Mother's Day bruises my heart, but in a different direction. I consider myself a childless mother -- I've always wanted a family but for several different reasons, this has not been my reality. As with all bruises, I care for myself and those around me by taking things slowly and gently on Mother's Day. Sending lots of love and light to my fellow childless mothers out there.
We (my mom, my dad, my sisters and I) have all been living with my mom's Alzheimer's for close to seven years now. And much longer than that if I consider when the disease started to present itself prior to her diagnosis. I do have a mother, but I feel motherless much of the time. I am now mothering my own mother in addition to my small children. One of the silver linings I have found is that there is also a sisterhood in this experience - caring for a parent with a debilitating chronic illness. Sending love to anyone else who also finds themselves in this strange in-between.
with you. My mom’s on hospice. In between is it exactly. holding your hand in this space. ♥️
Sending love to you, Kathleen, and to Alison and Kate and everyone else who is in between this morning. xo
♥️♥️😭😭♥️♥️
Alison, I am right there with you. Sending love.
Same, friends. Getting ready to give birth to my own little girl in a few months and hoping that mothering her will bring back memories of my own mom before all of the dementia garbage.
Me too, Alison. Grieving someone who is still here is so incredibly hard. Sending love —
I've been so wrapped up with life that I didn't even realize it was MD this weekend! I have no relationship with my mother, for many reasons. I have largely been motherless since my early teens (I'm in my early 30's now). It was a difficult decision to cut things off with her (something I had to do twice, as I tried to give her another chance, only to be reminded of why I made the decision in the first place). I still have pained moments when I witness a sweet mother/daughter moment, but overall the years have softened it like a stone. It's a weight, but a smooth one. Ambiguous grief is a funny thing. I often feel like we live on sister planets, those of us who have lost parents to death, and those who have lost them in other ways.
Thank you so much for this post. I have no relationship with my mother (sounds similar to many of these!) and Mother’s Day is always my least favorite.
While I will always grieve the loss of my mom, somehow I got the most wonderful little sister in the entire world? She is five years younger than me but has always been an old soul and she steps in to do motherly things for me—like scratching my back or calling me to see what I’m making for dinner or doting on my kids. I feel so lucky to have her! <3
I have yet to finish reading this whole post but I just want to commend you for creating it! Usually, well-meaning Mother's Days posts tack on a line at the end showcasing commiseration for those grieving. It makes it feel like those that are grieving are secondary and almost like an afterthought. But you have made them front and center here and I didn't realize how meaningful that is until I read the first interview. Thank you for putting us at the front and truly showing recognition for us. It makes me feel like I'm not the outlier. Just because my mom has passed away a long time ago doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate her every Mother's Day with all my range of emotions. You're always so considerate and thoughtful with everything you write. Much appreciated!
that book changed my life when i discovered it at age 19. (my mom died of cancer when i was 12.) i felt so seen.
yes, to entering a sisterhood. i've always felt that we should wear embroidered patches that say "Motherless Daughter" to serve as both a badge of honor and warning sign to potential mates and future children. ( : much of what i am and love about myself — independent, fearless, ambitious — is because i lost my mother young. but much of what i am and don't love — i struggle with being vulnerable, and i have a consistent fear of dying young that breeds anxiety — as well.
38 years later, and i am still waiting for her to walk through the back door with her arms full of groceries.
And I also have a consistent fear of dying young, which grew when I had my own children.
Margaux, I am here with you. I lost my mom to cancer when. I was 16. Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of her death. I purchased Motherless Daughters 3 years ago and it’s sat untouched on my bookshelf. Between reading this post and your comment, I think it’s finally time. Sending you a hug.
For those who have lost their mothers, I'd love to ask what a good message to get from others would be on Mother's Day--usually I go with a thinking of you and your mom today. Love you/sending love. Is that enough??
This was the panacea my heart has needed. Reading C.’s share about her narcissistic mother made my stomach sink. This is my mother. And I’ve felt so alone in the abuse and shame of never being enough. We don’t have a relationship and I don’t yearn for one with her. But now that I’m in my 40s I grieve for never having a mother who didn’t see me as useless or competition. I work hard to stop the cycle of trauma for my kids. Especially my daughter (another thank you to CoJ community for motivating me get therapy!). It’s strange to feel motherless when I have a mother but it’s now nice to know I’m not alone.
This is such a beautiful post. Mother’s Day is so difficult for so many of us. I had a miscarriage three years ago and have been in the throes of fertility treatments ever since. This day can be so heartbreaking for so many reasons. Thank you for illuminating that and leaving space for those who find this holiday really conflicting. ❤️
appreciate this deeply and wrote about mother hunger earlier this week. 🤎🫂
so beautiful, erica. ❤️
thank you for reading, it means a lot. 🦋
Great post! My mom has Alzheimer's, so Mother's Day is not the same anymore, but always making the most of the time we have left. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers reading this! Including stepmom and plant moms (me). <3