The #1 Thing I Look for in a Romantic Partner
Other than strong forearms.
Hi! How is your week going?
Ever since my marriage ended — and I set up my Hinge profile, had sex for the first time, dated someone more seriously, and went through a break up (🎢) — I’ve been thinking a lot about what I look for in a romantic partner. As a teenager, I used to daydream about meeting a drummer in a band — floppy hair! furrowed brows! — and, overall, bad boys were a biiiiig deal in the ‘90s. Did you know that there’s still a huge trope in romance novels called “grumpy sunshine”? It’s where a cynical guy falls for a lil’ bit of sunshine who manages to bring out his softer side. (Also called black cat / Golden Retriever, haha.)
But now! The last thing my slender wrists and I want is a project. It is not my job — or anyone else’s — to improve someone’s negative temperament. When it comes to emotional regulation, it’s every man for himself, and that’s a good thing.
Instead, what I’m really craving so much right now is a funny, calm, warm soul who doesn’t take themselves too seriously. You know when a person says something funny and you just want to grab and kiss them? Gahhh, the best.
Perhaps sensing this, my Instagram algorithm has recently been serving me reels of couples goofing around. I mean, how much better are these relationship examples than bad boys or mysterious antiheroes? I love imagining teenagers (including my own) seeing these fun, funny partnerships in pop culture and on social media, and knowing this is something they can create for themselves, as well.
Love this husband and wife killing time at the airport, above.
And I recently passed this hilarious couple in Brooklyn but was too shy to say hi!
One of my favorite date activities is watching comedy specials, too. My friend Alison and her now-husband Zach first met while watching The Office with mutual friends every Thursday night. When they realized they shared a sense of humor — “we always laughed at the same parts,” she told me — the rest was history.
Thoughts? What makes you laugh? What do you look for in a romantic partner? What are your biggest turn-ons? Please share in the comments. xoxo
Good news: Banana Republic’s Friends and Family Event is happening right now, until March 22nd. You get a whopping 40% off full-priced pieces and up to 50% off sale styles. Here are a few pretty picks…
Green is on trend right now, looks great in photos, and stands out in a sea of neutrals. I’d love to wear this dress to drinks o’clock in Cornwall this summer.
These elastic wide-leg pants are chic enough for dinner dates and work meetings, but feel like pajamas. Win/win.
My #1 clothing item to pack for summer trips is a linen shirt. They always look effortlessly cool and are supposed to be a little crumpled. Bonus: This one comes in eight colors.
How gorgeous is this stretch-satin maxi skirt?! It looks way more expensive than $88. I’d wear it with a white shirt tied at the waist and a swipe of red lipstick.
Thoughts? See Banana Republic’s full Friends and Family event here, if you’d like. (This black dress is also calling my name!)
The Comedy Issue Made Me Laugh 17 Times. Matt Buechele shares a flirty game, and Samantha Irby finds hats for big heads.
“This Book Profoundly Changed My Sex Life.” After 20 years of marriage, my friend had a sexual reawakening. Should we all read this book?
Zarna Garg Has Never Said ‘I Love You’ to Her Husband. The comedian talks about marriage, parenting, and launching her stand-up career at age 44.
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Thank you so much for reading! Coming up: a funny, fascinating conversation with author Lindy West, and five ways to make friends as an adult (that actually work). xoxo
I’m a sucker for a funny guy, and I’ve been married to one for 15 years. But he’s also grumpy. He makes me laugh daily — providing dialogue for inanimate objects, doing spot-on impressions of our kids’ quirky school librarian who practically vibrates with excitement at morning drop-off — but he can also be irritable and closed off.
I used to think this was a character flaw. I’d talk to my therapist about the lengths I’d go to trying to turn his mood around. One day she asked, “What would happen if he just felt his feelings and you didn’t assume it was your job to fix his mood?”
That stopped me cold. We process things differently. He probably doesn’t love that when I get stressed, my filter disappears and I start talking through my worries with anyone who’ll listen. And he doesn’t try to fix me either.
People are complex — men included. Even the funny, warm, easygoing ones have their moments. But…they also have two wrists of their own.
I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE LINDY CONTENT. I’m halfway through “Adult Braces” and it is incomparable. I feel like you (Jo) and Lindy are both incredibly generous with how open you are, and in the ways that you make your readership feel like it’s okay to be in-progress, unfinished, and that there’s worthiness to be found in that. We’re all on the rollercoaster together and when we see the photo of ourselves on the ride screaming and making a weird face, we can laugh about it and bring it into the light instead of hiding it. It’s awesome and I’m grateful for it!