The Funny Thing About Grief, According to Parks and Rec Writer Aisha Muharrar

The comedy writer shares her favorite ’90s film and the sneakers she wore to the Emmys.

Hi! How’s your week going? Freddie and I are playing games tonight, and I’m so excited to see my kids on Sunday — I’ve missed them while they’ve been traveling with their dad. They will be getting so many hugs!!!

Today’s issue features Aisha Muharrar, the Emmy Award-winning comedy writer. Co-executive producer of Hacks, Aisha also wrote for Parks and Recreation and The Good Place. She has a way of writing conversations that feel hilarious and real: “Think about all the things you laugh over with your friends,” she tells us. “They’re usually not structured jokes with a punch line."

Aisha’s debut novel Loved One comes out on August 12th. The story follows two thirty-something women who are grieving the sudden death of their mutual ex. As Julia and Elizabeth split up Gabe’s possessions, they bond over their complicated feelings — yet they’re both keeping a secret. The result is a messy, life-affirming relationship post-mortem that you can’t put down until you get to the bottom of it all.

For this newsletter, we asked Aisha to reveal ten favorite things. “I’ve read Cup of Jo for years, so while telling my husband about the Big Salad interview, I asked, ‘What are my rituals??’ He said, ‘You make tea, and you rub your face with that rock.’ And I was like, I do enjoy gua sha.”

Here, Aisha shares a velvet dress, her favorite Parks & Rec scene, and what she considers ‘the perfect movie’…

First, do you have a favorite Leslie Knope moment? The ‘Camping’ episode (Season 3, Episode 8) takes place right after the hugely successful Pawnee harvest festival. I pitched that everyone would expect Leslie Knope to follow up her success with an amazing new idea and she’d feel all this pressure to top herself. Essentially, I gave her my good girl, A-student anxiety.

I love that you identify with Leslie Knope — maybe we all do. When we showed up to shoot the episode, the wardrobe department had Amy Poehler in this pink-and-purple checked top. And, without knowing it, I was wearing the same shirt! Everyone was like, woah, Leslie and Aisha are so on the same page that they’re even dressed alike.

What did you learn from working with Amy Poehler? It’s just as important to know how to help others feel comfortable joking around as it is to be funny and get your own jokes in. Amy is so good at getting the funny out of other people. Part of that is being a good listener. I love Amy’s new podcast, because she’s hilarious and deeply grounded, compassionate, and present.

You wrote the Parks and Rec episode about Galentine’s Day. Your new novel also centers female friends. Can you tell us about your own friendships? I met one of my best friends on Parks. Then, when I was working on my book, she gave me a print that says, ‘I love the way you think.’ I’d reached a point in the writing process when I was doubting myself. My book is about grief, and I was like, What am I doing? I’m a comedy writer. My deepest friendships have been with people who see me for who I am and, instead of trying to change me, support me in becoming fully myself.

Your novel, which opens at a funeral, is incredibly funny but also very smart about love and loss. Two of my close friends passed away at age 30. The characters in my book all react differently to grief, which feels true to life. Some people can’t sleep, some people sleep all the time; some people get angry at the deceased, others turn into evangelists, making them out to be the best person who ever lived. Capturing a full range of grief was one of the most fun parts of the writing process.

Did your thoughts about grief change at all while writing the book? I listened to an On Being episode with therapist Pauline Boss. She uses the phrase ‘ambiguous loss’ to describe deaths that are unexpected and difficult to mourn. I think that’s such a great term. I also read a Marie Howe poem that said, ‘I had no idea that the gate I would step through to finally enter this world would be the space my brother's body made.’ I think, when it comes to grief, what we're actually dealing with is this missing space in our lives. There was someone, a person who was unique, who had never been before and will never be again. Grief is learning to live with that missing space.

You won an Emmy for your work on Hacks. Writing for Hacks is very cool because I get to be part of a show about two female comedy writers making history, while also witnessing them do that in real life. Hacks offers a perspective on comedy that we haven't seen much: a woman over 50 who is still working. Also Ava’s point of view — a young bi woman on a show about writing comedy — feels new.

Do you have advice for readers who want to tell a better joke at a dinner party? In social settings, I feel like women sometimes underestimate themselves. Think about all the things you laugh over with your friends — they’re usually not some highly structured joke with a punch line.